A Product Review of the Moon

Did you know that product reviews are a thing?

Apparently they are. If you’re a blogger you can get free stuff from organisations who want their products reviewed.

Everybody likes free stuff, and I like free stuff too, so today I’m going to do a product review in the hope that I will be offered some of that free stuff. In particular I would like my very own satellite. Not a crappy artificial satellite that relays telecommunications signals, spies on foreign military sites, or pisses off Sandra Bullock by turning into an exciting cloud of orbital debris, but a natural satellite made of rock and other space stuff.

So to increase my chances of being offered one, I will review a similar product: the moon.

Here is the moon:


Don’t worry, that’s just an artist’s representation. The real moon is very big and not a jpeg.

Unfortunately you can’t get the moon delivered, so it’s only available for collection – but it has been left just outside the planet so there shouldn’t be any problem collecting it.

It comes lovingly packed in vacuum, which is very easy to open.

The moon is decorated with impact craters, and it’s quite easy to imagine faces up there, especially if you are prone to pareidolia, or are a grey species with asymmetrical features that look like impact craters.

You can hang the moon above your planet and use it as a nightlight. This will enable you to find your way around, and will improve the aesthetic qualities of many landscapes, especially beaches or ones covered in snow or sexy people. It will also give you the opportunity to answer ‘Yes’ if someone asks if you have ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight.*

*Devil sold separately

The wildlife of your world will also benefit from the moon. They can use its phases to synchronise mating or spawning behaviour, and most people agree that it’s best to synchronise mating with at least one other individual. Also, pre-industrial peoples will be able to develop myths and tales about how the moon got there, or what it’s like on the surface, while everyone else sniggers at how naïve they are.

To conclude, the moon is very good as far as natural satellites go. It is quite robust and difficult to break. It can induce regular tides and increase your world’s axial precession, and it is also very pretty.

I would recommend the moon to most civilisations.

I am going to give it a 9/10 rating. I am withholding one mark because of the Nazis on it.*


Review policy:

If you would like me to review a natural satellite or other astrophysical body, please send me a free one and I will review it on this blog. I have a turnaround time of 1-12 weeks depending on my procrastination quotient. My policy is to only give honest reviews – if I have a bad experience with your product – for instance if it makes the night sky ugly, or falls onto one of my favourite cities – I will give it a bad review.

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10 Responses

  1. Rachel says:

    You can get free stuff for writing reviews?! Where do I sign up? I love free stuff. I’m about to go review the 7 natural wonders, the iPhone 30, and a pony.

    • Ash-Matic says:

      That’s a great idea. You can take pictures of the natural wonders from pony-back on your futuristic iPhone!

  2. If the devil was included, would it have received a ten out of ten?

  3. Sam says:

    Maybe the Nazis and devil deserve their own separate product reviews too…maybe treat them as mini versions you can carry around in your pocket!

  4. Izzy says:

    Psht. Why bother with non-deadly weapons?

  5. Did you see any footprints or US flags during your review?

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