Bad Decisions

Last weekend was horrible.

Imagine the worst weekend you can imagine. Now stab yourself in the eyeballs while imagining it. That’s almost how bad last weekend was – except the screaming noises coming out of your mouth are probably more pleasant than the dialogue of last weekend.

What made it worse was that it wasn’t the machinations of fate that made it so horrific – just the unholy union of boredom and masochism.

Miss-Matic and I did this to ourselves. I doubt the scars of our decisions will ever fully heal.

It was Friday evening. We were sitting on the bed, facing each other, playing the ‘What do you want to do? – I don’t know, what do you want to do?‘ game. If you’ve ever been in a relationship, you’ll have played this game before.

Interspersed between rounds of ‘I don’t know, what do you want to do?‘ we made suggestions, which were all greeted with an overwhelming lack of enthusiam.

Go out? – Can’t be bothered.
Stay in? – Boring.
Cook a meal? – Can’t be bothered.
Order in? – Can’t decide what to have.
Go to sleep? – Can’t be bothered.
Stay awake? – Boring.

And so on.

Eventually, our inability to entertain ourselves led us down a road no person should ever tread. We decided that since we couldn’t be bothered to go out, stay in, cook, eat, sleep, or anything else, we’d have to think of something radically different.

And so we did.

We decided to do something simple, relaxing, and very, very unlike us. The premise was very simple: First we’d go out, buy enormous amounts of snack food and alcohol, then return and settle in for a weekend film-fest. But the twist was that we would pick movies that neither of us would ever watch under normal circumstances. Movies that were so unlike us – so far removed from our personal tastes and preferences – that the weekend could not help but be novel.

But what kind of movies? We’ve been known to watch all kinds of crap. We even watched part of an Adam Sandler movie once.

So we went online and loaded up a big list of movies, and tried to spot those that wouldn’t normally catch our eyes. The kind that would make us cringe. The kind that our self-preservation mechanisms would auto-reject. Those were the ones we were looking for.

And thus we became aquainted with the Twilight saga.

Now, I know Twilight came out in 2008, and Twilight-bashing is so 2008, and everybody has already seen it and hated it and made all the jokes and all of that – we weren’t stupid enough to get curious about the Twilight phenomena back then – but did you know that THEY CARRIED ON MAKING TWILIGHT MOVIES?

It’s true. I’m serious. Look it up. Wikipedia will back me on this.


If ever there was evidence to support dystheism, it must be this. What other kind of deity would allow this kind of suffering?

Do you know how many hours of blah blah Edward blah Jacob blah blah blah Bella blah we had to sit through last weekend?

Lots of hours.
Lots of hours of blah blah blah blah blah blah.

There was one good bit in the first film – Miss-Matic had escaped to the bathroom, and different coloured bubbles started filling the screen, and it was all quite pretty, until she came back and wiggled the mouse and pressed Play and blah blah blah blah blah.

At some point in the second film I had to afix a cushion to Miss-Matic’s head, because she was headbutting the walls every time Edward opened his mouth to say blah blah blah blah blah – where ‘blah’ is any disturbingly creepy flavour of cheese, because that’s all he knows how to say.

In the third film, things picked up a bit, but then the power came back on and there were a bunch of werewolves and vampires flailing at each other in a boring manner and saying blah blah blah.

And the fourth film – seriously, what the fuck? I thought I knew what boring was. I’ve been bored before. I’ve watched boring things. I’ve watched shadows and the hour-hands of clocks move; been stuck in an airport for days at a time waiting for news of a rescheduled flight; sat through an entire software engineering lecture – but I have never witnessed anything as boring as that fourth movie. At one point I turned to Miss-Matic and said, ‘Is it me, or has nothing happened yet?’

But it wasn’t me. Nothing had happened.
And a few hours later she, in turn, turned to me and said, ‘Is it… is it still on?’

So I checked the laptop, wiggled the mouse, watched the seconds counting up on the video, and confirmed that yes, it was still on. It was just that nothing had happened. They were still just whining at each other.

I’d like to end this on a positive note – I really would.

I’d like to be able to say, ‘But eventually, it was over. Miss-Matic and I had survived. We bandaged the sites of our attempted suicides, cleaned the blood off the walls. We picked up the empty beer cans and bottles of wine, threw out the bones of the small animals we’d had to catch for sustenance, tidied the room, and went out into the sunshine – safe and secure in the knowledge that we would never again be so reckless with our lives and minds.

But I can’t. Because it’s not over. Every time I close my eyes, all I can hear is blah blah blah blah blah. We still live in a world where Twilight exists. What happens if someone sneaks a Twilight DVD into the disc-drive when I’m not looking? What if I’m in an electronic goods store, and some sadistic employee starts playing a Twilight movie on the televisions? What if I make a new friend and visit their house and they’re making me coffee and I’m looking forward to the coffee and they bring it out and they give me the mug – and there’s Edward and fucking Bella on the side of it??

It’s not over. I’m afraid it’ll never be over.

I want to die, but I’m too terrified that my life will flash before my eyes, and I’ll have to watch those fucking movies all over again.

And to make it all worse, there’s another one coming out later this year.


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22 Responses

  1. sporkgasm says:

    I love that your comeback blog was this. I sat through two of these movies with my mom. I refuse to sit through any more. Welcome back! We missed you.

  2. Rachel says:

    I am so sorry about the torture you’ve gone through. I had to sit through the first one TWO TIMES and the second one once. It was awful.

    Please excuse me. I need to go cry about the memories of seeing it…

  3. The Beans says:

    Yay! You’re back! 😀

    And, yes, you did bring it upon yourselves. For shame…for shame.

    At least you made it out “alive.”

    -Barb the French Bean

  4. Mark says:

    You poor poor bastards. No one should ever watch those movies, no matter what the circumstances. I only watched the first one, that was more than enough for me. OH GOD THE HORROR.

  5. I’m convinced Edward is the anti Christ and these movies should be used for war torture. “Put a bag over my head and submerge me in boiling water again, General. Just don’t turn that fucking vampire movie on again.”
    Hilarious post. Hopefully no Twi-tards will hunt you down and suck your blood.

  6. Chiz says:

    I’ve been fortunate enough to never see these movies, and after reading this post, I intend it to stay that way.

    Thank you for saving the lives of many followers. Also, welcome back!

  7. lily says:

    I watched the first one and then immediately had to go and sear my brain with a red hot poker to remove the memory of it…luckily, dere wer kno long lasting efecks.

    Welcome back!

  8. HeatherL says:

    After listening to my students wax poetic about these books, I read them. If you think the movies were painful, you have no idea about the books. So. Very. Horrible. The only good side to me reading them was that I was able to convince a very small population of girls that Edward was a creepy, stalker, pedifile and Bella was a moron.

    I am so sorry that you suffered through all of those movies. You are a braver person than I will ever be!

  9. Bersercules says:

    Owch, sounds like there real horror movies! Thanks for the heads up, if I ever feel like watching them I’ll just stab myself a few times instead!

  10. Mimi & Sarah says:

    Awesome post! People find it shocking, that me being a teenager, that I would have read all the books and seen all the movies, but actually I never have and I don’t care to. I love the state of Washington and visit there at least once a year, so when my family had to stay the night in Forks (which apparently is where the book was based off of) instead of driving straight to the ferry to the San Juan Islands… I was sad. This is probably the freakiest town you will ever see. They had everything about Twilight, EVERYWHERE. They had it’s own shop! We went to go have pizza, and when I had to chose between having a slice of the Edward or Jacob Pizza… it was too much to handle… And that was the day I stopped eating pizza. (Until I got home) True Story.
    ~ Sarah

  11. Stephanie says:

    Bahaha! Oh my god, this killed me. I actually watched the last one IN THE THEATRE. Yeah, I know, I know. When I came home and my husband asked me how it was, all I could say was “Well, there was a wedding. And something else. I’m not sure what.” Ha!

  12. That was the bravest thing that you could have attempted to do in a weekend.

    I watched the first movie and thought it was awful. Never again.

    Seriously hilarious post, though. I especially loved when you checked to make sure it was still on by seeing the seconds ticking away. Classic.

  13. Wily Guy says:

    Oh I so wanted to say “Same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try to take over the World!”

    But then that would have had to have been followed by a “Are you thinking what I’m thinking….”

    I read all the Twilight books and watched all the movies, mostly because I love my wife. I am team Alice…lol

    Great comeback post!

  14. teganwilson says:

    I managed to sit through the first film myself, after all the hype. Waste of two hours of my life. Kudos for watching four of the damn things, I certainly don’t think I could manage it.

    Tegan Wilson

  15. Brett Minor says:

    I have never seen the movies and have had no desire to. My teenage daughter read the first book and then couldn’t understand what the draw was.

  16. Phil says:

    Some lines are not meant to be crossed.

  17. Addman says:

    Sadly enough, I think I’ve seen bits of all of them. Enough to know the general plot anyway (a woman and a vampire don’t have sex for ages, then when they finally do have sex, they have a baby which eats it’s way out of the woman). The last film should have been awesome, and should have ended with a little vampire baby bursting from Bella’s womb like on Alien, then going on a killing spree in a crèche. But it didn’t, and as thus, is shit.

  18. Kait says:

    Continuing theme.

    Bad Thing: You had to abuse yourself with this tripe
    Good Thing: TERRIFIC blog post – was missing you around here

  19. mistyslaws says:

    Wow. So, you went from “let’s do something totally different and unlike us” to “let’s continue torturing ourselves with this drek even though we’d rather drink drano whilst wrestling a honey badger?” Huh. I’ve got an idea . . . next time you are bored? Wrestle a honey badger. Less internal damage that way.

  20. Christi says:

    I really missed reading your stuff and then you came out with this and I laughed so hard that I cried. Loved it glad you are back hope to read more soon.

  21. jaybird says:

    Ash- Glad to see you are back! Hope all went well with the paper writing.

    My brother has five nieces who love to torture him with this type of girly fan fiction book/movie drama and it drives him insane. I don’t think he could have survived an entire weekend, like you did.

    Do yourself a favour this week and plan ahead! Take Miss-Matic out. Just saying..

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