Author: Ashmatica

13

Creepy Toad Ornaments

Right now, as I type this, a creepy toad ornament is looking at me. This particular ornament is a little smaller than the size of a fist, made of dark wood. The upper jaw/head/back...

30

Dropping Things Again

I’m good at dropping things. So good, in fact, that sometimes my natural dropping-things instincts kick in when I’m not even trying. This is usually fine, except when I’m holding a thing – especially...

14

Applause

I live opposite a pub – which would be great if, a) I was deaf, b) I could afford to drink, and c) it wasn’t full of morons. Unfortunately, none of these things are...

19

Self ePublishing

It’s time. I started writing about 12 years ago – which translates to approximately 1.5 years of writing, and 10.5 of furious and intense procrastination, masturbation and staring out of windows, waiting for fiction...

18

The Tale of the Mysterious Bong

I was lying in bed the other night, working out exactly how I would melt the West Antarctic Ice Sheet to drown the low-lying areas of the world if I were a supervillain, when...

21

Doors

Yesterday I left the flat to go job hunting. Everybody goes about this arduous activity in different ways, but for me this involved walking down the street with my hands in my pockets, kicking...

21

Napping

If there’s one thing I have in common with Miss-Matic, Miss-Matic’s mother, and our cat – who adopted Miss-Matic’s mother only to be subsequently adopted by Miss-Matic and I under the somewhat false pretense...

25

Arts ‘n’ Crafts

Making Spiders   I hate spiders. They creep me the fuck out. Unfortunately I’m working on a super-secret project which entailed making little spiders out of wire. It took me a while to figure...