Right now, as I type this, a creepy toad ornament is looking at me.
This particular ornament is a little smaller than the size of a fist, made of dark wood. The upper jaw/head/back section is actually a lid, which conceals a small cavity for storing half-digested flies, lily pad crumbs, long-lost surgical forceps, or whatever else might be found inside a toad.
The creepy toad ornament came from somewhere in Sheffield. Miss-Matic saw it, and decided her life really wasn’t complete without a creepy toad ornament, and so it came home with us.
Although the creepy toad ornament is ugly, it isn’t inherently creepy. It’s creepiness comes from the fact that it watches me.
Continue reading Creepy Toad Ornaments
I started writing about 12 years ago – which translates to approximately 1.5 years of writing, and 10.5 of furious and intense procrastination, masturbation and staring out of windows, waiting for fiction to assemble itself on the screen before me, and playing tower defence flash games when it did not.
In this time I’ve manage to squeeze from my creative sphincter four full, and two half novels; a smattering of short stories, and two depressing poems. Two of these novels were sent off to the Club of Literary Agents, where they got drunk, and nobody asked them to dance, and they came back home at the end of the evening and had a wank and cried themselves to sleep. The others just got stuck having pre-club drinks at the Need-Another-Redraft bar.
Continue reading Self ePublishing
If there’s one thing I have in common with Miss-Matic, Miss-Matic’s mother, and our cat – who adopted Miss-Matic’s mother only to be subsequently adopted by Miss-Matic and I under the somewhat false pretense that we would be entirely responsible for its residency, and who still lives with Miss-Matic’s mother several years later and is most definitely still our cat despite appearances and quite possibly legal definitions to the contrary – it is that we all like to take naps.
As we step into a brand new year it is important to set one’s goals and agendas up front – this is why we make New Year’s Resolutions after all – and so I have decided to spend most of 2013 missing 2013 by napping as frequently and lengthily as possible.
Continue reading Napping
Where was I?
Oh yes, floristry.
I currently have no job. This is great. I fill my days with activities of a satisfyingly horizontal nature, trying not to leave the TV on a channel which might show Jeremy Kyle reruns, and working on my latest super-secret project. Life is good. Extremely frugal, but good.
I wasn’t fired from my last job – the one I hated – which is a shame because I’ve never been fired, and I think it might be quite fun… I think it would be like being in a movie where someone gets fired, and being the one who gets fired in it.
Continue reading A Poker Faced Encounter
Technically, this post chould be called Ash-Matic Does Procrastinating. If Ash-Matic was revising, this post would not exist. But I want to save Ash-Matic Does Procrastinating for another time, because it’s something I’m so good at I feel it would be an injustice not to give it the time and attention it deserves – so I’ll save that post for when I’ve finished looking up sea-cucumbers on Wikipedia, watching videos of other people having fun on Minecraft, or convincing myself I’m not looking at porn because it’s only erotic literature, darling.
Everybody knows that revision is boring. You take a bunch of stuff that was boring the first time you read it, and read it again. Then you go on Wikipedia under the false pretext of clarifying some point you don’t quite understand, but actually to find out a bit more about sea-cucumbers.
Continue reading Ash-Matic Did Revision
The other night I had two pieces of news:
One was that the lovely Miss-Matic would be away overnight the next day, due to a work commitment; the other was that our fridge-freezer had broken.
Now, I’ve been living in this world for a couple of years now, so I know the rule for this kind of situation:
When one is the recipient of two pieces of news, those two factoids have to be classified into ‘good’ news, and ‘bad’ news categories.
Continue reading Ash-Matic Does Good News and Bad News.
Uh oh. I’m in trouble.
Miss-Matic has guests. And when Miss-Matic has guests, the laws of chaos seem to inexplicably change.
Normally, when I walk into a someone’s home and see an unwashed mug, the roof of that home does not sag and collapse and kill all the occupants.
Usually, when I’m sitting on a friend’s sofa and spot a crumb on the floor, a madman does not leap through the window in a cloud of glistening glass shards, and slaughter everyone in the room in particularly bloody and brutal ways.
And never, in my personal experience, upon spotting a coffee ring on a horizontal surface – which is usually a good thing, a sign that the surface is sufficiently robust should I wish to rest a warm beverage on it – have I caused the eruption of a solar flare of such magnitude that it boils the oceans and sterilises the planet down to bedrock.
You would not believe Miss-Matic hasn’t experienced these things if you had ever witnessed her expecting guests.
Continue reading Ash-Matic Does Domestic Discord
Okay, okay. I suppose that is a somewhat misleading title.
Of course I’m not exercising. Don’t be silly. I’m in bed, drinking coffee.
Maybe I should have called this post:
Ash-Matic Thinks About Doing Exercise In a Minute.
Ash-Matic Ponders the Problem of Exercise.
I think I prefer the last one, after all, there IS a Problem of Exercise. We all know this. It stands up there with the great philosophical problems, like the Problem of Evil, or the Problem of Other Minds – only nobody dares to treat it with the same academic consideration or importance, for fear of seeming lazy.
Continue reading Ash-Matic Does Some Exercise
Did I ever mention how prominently my ability to procrastinate features on my list of talents? It’s pretty high. Or it would be, if I’d gotten around to making that list.
Right now, right this second, I should be doing the dishes. There are a lot of dishes, waiting to be done.
There are bowls, plates, knives, spoons, glasses, mugs, forks, and chopping-boards. There are also pizza cartons to be thrown away, and surfaces to be wiped. All these delights are waiting for me in the kitchen, due to be done approximately yesterday, while instead I slowly list them. Why don’t I just do them? Won’t it be easier to get it out of the way? Won’t I get less trouble from Miss-Matic if I just do the frickin’ chores?
Well, yes. But I’m just going to do this first. And then make a bad cartoon about it.
Then I’ll do the dishes.
Continue reading Ash-Matic Does Chore-Avoidance
Everyone and their fucking dog has a blog. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’ve read more blogs by dogs than I have by people. Maybe it’s because they’re more interesting; maybe dogs just have more to say. You give a person the opportunity to talk about themselves and they’ll just post shit about their cat. You never see dogs posting about their cats. Doesn’t happen.
Anyway, it just so happens that I do have a cat. So regardless of what I just said, I might blog about my cat one day. Look, I’m sorry, but it’s not my fault that my cat is better than yours, you’ll just have to deal with it when the time comes.
Continue reading Ash-Matic Does Blogging