Tag Archives: grumpy

The Most Annoying Egg in the World

[contains language – because it was that annoying]

Yesterday, as with many days, I didn’t eat properly. This was partly because yesterday, as with many days, I realised I’d forgotten to buy any food recently, and was too lazy to take corrective measures for this fact.

Fortunately I had a carton of eggs blessed with the kind of longevity that keeps people like me from starving.

The solution to all my dietary problems was clearly a fried-egg sandwich, because a) fried egg sandwiches are the shit, and b) fried egg sandwiches are in the very short list of things I can make without fucking up too badly.

I always fuck the eggs up, but I’m pretty good with the sandwich. On balance it generally works.

But yesterday I had the Most Annoying Egg in the World.

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The Festive Spirit

One Sunday every month, in a small English town somewhere south of Manchester, market stalls spring up along the pedestrianised streets to attract fat-walleted locals from the surrounding area.

On this particular Sunday, in late November, the streets were more crowded than usual. With the orgy of consumerism known as Christmas on the horizon, many bargain-hunters were in town looking for unusual knicknacks, hand-crafted cards or jewelery, or interesting local produce to gift to friends and relatives who would rather just have the money.

Overhead hung sad monochromatic arcs of twinkling lights. A band played instrumental carols outside the town hall, overlooked by a sparsely-decorated tree and dull carven nativity scene. The warm scents of hog roasts, burgers and mulled-wine only served to accentuate the chill in the air.

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Ash-Matic Does Likes and Dislikes

I don’t like things.

I’m a grumpy person, and so, I like not liking things. I get a sense of familiar reassurance when there is something I don’t like, a sense that everything is right with the world – that I can clearly distinguish between good things – which are likeable – and all the other shit on the buffet of life.

Conversely, there are some things that I do like.

And, as a grumpy person, I don’t like this fact.

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