[contains language – because it was that annoying]
Yesterday, as with many days, I didn’t eat properly. This was partly because yesterday, as with many days, I realised I’d forgotten to buy any food recently, and was too lazy to take corrective measures for this fact.
Fortunately I had a carton of eggs blessed with the kind of longevity that keeps people like me from starving.
The solution to all my dietary problems was clearly a fried-egg sandwich, because a) fried egg sandwiches are the shit, and b) fried egg sandwiches are in the very short list of things I can make without fucking up too badly.
I always fuck the eggs up, but I’m pretty good with the sandwich. On balance it generally works.
But yesterday I had the Most Annoying Egg in the World.
Continue reading The Most Annoying Egg in the World
I don’t always eat vegetables, but when I do I eat vegetables that I don’t particularly like.
The other day I made pea and mint soup. This involves lots of heavy cans of peas which have to be carried an inordinately long distance to my kitchen, twigs from a mint tree or bush or whatever, an onion, and a bunch of other stuff I found in my cupboards – stock cubes, herbs, spices, dust, lint and so on.
Making soup is one of the more boring things one can do with the above ingredients, so I put on some hard-rockin’ tunes to entertain me while I cooked – which, in hindsight, was an error.
Continue reading Pea Soup
*Warning. This post may include death.*
*May. I said may.*
The other day I was behind the counter in the cafe where I work, doing important things involving spoons. I find that most things that involve spoons are important, but I was being paid to do these particular things, which made them more important than usual.
It was a slow morning, after the morning coffee rush and before the first customers would come in for lunch. In fact there was only one customer, a regular, ensconced at a small table by the wall, reading a paper, drinking his americano and eating a piece of cake.
I had my back to this gentleman, because of my aforementioned engagement with the spoons. Soft cafe-type music tinkled out of the speakers overhead – but neither that, nor the clinky song of the spoons was enough to hide the noise.
Continue reading Spoons
A couple of doors down from me lives a pizza beast.
The pizza beast lives exactly where you might expect a pizza beast to live – in a pizza shop.
The pizza beast and I have a wary kind of relationship. We’re like the daddy lions of neighbouring prides; rival wizards whose sorcerous towers overlook the same enchanted forest, or the last two bruised apples in the supermarket, desperately not wanting to be the last bruised apple in the supermarket.
Yep. We keep a wary eye on each other.
Continue reading The Pizza Beast
Recently I went with some friends to a lovely country pub, to eat fish and chips on a Friday night, while the beautiful British summer howled against the window panes and soaked up the legs of my trousers.
They were some of the best fish and chips I’ve had. The fish was a giant slab of cod that clearly came from the body-building champion of the cod world. It was delightfully battered and tasty, and the chips were huge and chunky, salted and vinegared – the kind of chips seagulls have wet-dreams about, not those pathetic skinny things people (yes, Americans, I’m talking to you) call fries.
Continue reading A Lack of Enthusiasm for Teleportation