[contains language – because it was that annoying]
Yesterday, as with many days, I didn’t eat properly. This was partly because yesterday, as with many days, I realised I’d forgotten to buy any food recently, and was too lazy to take corrective measures for this fact.
Fortunately I had a carton of eggs blessed with the kind of longevity that keeps people like me from starving.
The solution to all my dietary problems was clearly a fried-egg sandwich, because a) fried egg sandwiches are the shit, and b) fried egg sandwiches are in the very short list of things I can make without fucking up too badly.
I always fuck the eggs up, but I’m pretty good with the sandwich. On balance it generally works.
But yesterday I had the Most Annoying Egg in the World.
Continue reading The Most Annoying Egg in the World
The other week some friends of mine came to town. Their visit was quite exciting for a number of reasons, mainly relating to good company, alcohol and pies, and the hotel in which they stayed.
But mostly the hotel.
Because they were in the Murder Room.
Continue reading The Murder Room
Multitasking isn’t generally one of my strong points, but what I do quite well is eat. I can combine eating with other tasks in a manner which makes me look exceedingly skilful.
I can cross the road, eating noodles with a drunken hunger only the drunk and hungry will ever know, without getting hit by bicycles.
I can eat while on the toilet – although it always feels futile.
I can even eat while brushing my teeth. Although it only works if I’m eating toothpaste.
Continue reading Multi-Tasking
Did you know that product reviews are a thing?
Apparently they are. If you’re a blogger you can get free stuff from organisations who want their products reviewed.
Everybody likes free stuff, and I like free stuff too, so today I’m going to do a product review in the hope that I will be offered some of that free stuff. In particular I would like my very own satellite. Not a crappy artificial satellite that relays telecommunications signals, spies on foreign military sites, or pisses off Sandra Bullock by turning into an exciting cloud of orbital debris, but a natural satellite made of rock and other space stuff.
So to increase my chances of being offered one, I will review a similar product: the moon.
Continue reading A Product Review of the Moon
You know those TV shows where contestants have to make their way along an assault course, negotiating a series of obstacles and traps to reach the end and win a prize?
That’s what I’ve been doing recently!
It’s brought a sense of danger and excitement to my life. Every day I get a pump of adrenaline at the thought of the risk and hazards I face as I set out to win.
Continue reading Obstacle Courses
A couple of months ago I applied for a job writing content for a PR company. I was asked to bring examples of content I had written, but most of my writing is either serious fiction or stupid stories. So I threw this together to show I could cut it in the real world.
Writing Content for an Interview
You’ve got the interview. Congratulations. But now what? You need to provide examples of content and you’re not sure all the other stupid shit you wrote will cut it in a professional environment?
Don’t panic. And don’t say ‘shit’ again. Follow this handy guide to bluff your way through.
1. Consider your topic.
What’s that? You don’t have a topic yet? Huh. Well, pick something that might make you look clever – like some kind of meta- commentary on your current problem. Don’t worry, there’s no way this will look like you’re trying too hard.
2. Research, research, research.
Google is your friend at this stage. If your article is of an instructional nature, just apply the words ‘How to’ before the title of your article and plagiarise whatever comes up first. Don’t worry – everyone else is writing their own content, so if you think about it, by being the sole plagiarist you’re the one being original.
Continue reading Writing Content
I noticed something odd when I looked in my bathroom mirror this morning. Somewhat disturbingly, the odd thing seemed to be part of my face. But it did provide the answer to a mystery that has bothered me all week.
It began a few days ago. I thought I was alone in my flat one morning, but then I heard a noise in the bedroom. I went to investigate, fully prepared to tackle a mouse, a cat, or a burglar – or shriek and flee if it proved to be a particularly noisy spider – but what I wasn’t prepared for was a very small giant.
Yep. There was a giant in my flat. A very small one.
After a moment of bewilderment I did what anybody would in such a situation – chased it out with a broom – but it’s presence did concern me a little, especially when, later that night, I encountered a second giant.
This one was even bigger than the first giant (but still very small), and was carrying a sheep under its arm. Again I got my broom and chased it out, but I started to worry.
Continue reading In Need of a Jack
I don’t always eat vegetables, but when I do I eat vegetables that I don’t particularly like.
The other day I made pea and mint soup. This involves lots of heavy cans of peas which have to be carried an inordinately long distance to my kitchen, twigs from a mint tree or bush or whatever, an onion, and a bunch of other stuff I found in my cupboards – stock cubes, herbs, spices, dust, lint and so on.
Making soup is one of the more boring things one can do with the above ingredients, so I put on some hard-rockin’ tunes to entertain me while I cooked – which, in hindsight, was an error.
Continue reading Pea Soup
My last story was in September?! Eek. Sorry. I haven’t abandoned this blog, I promise. In fact, quite the opposite – I check it every day to see if I have made a new post. But mostly I haven’t.
At the moment I have no internet access in my flat, which is one excuse I might give if I weren’t about to tell you in this sentence that the real reasons are mostly because I am lazy and/or doing other things. So at this moment I am sitting with a coffee in the café in which I work, plainly not doing café -related work, consuming the wi-fi bandwidth almost as greedily as I am consuming my coffee – which is to say that I hadn’t thought this metaphor through before I started it.
Continue reading Updates and Bruises
*Warning. This post may include death.*
*May. I said may.*
The other day I was behind the counter in the cafe where I work, doing important things involving spoons. I find that most things that involve spoons are important, but I was being paid to do these particular things, which made them more important than usual.
It was a slow morning, after the morning coffee rush and before the first customers would come in for lunch. In fact there was only one customer, a regular, ensconced at a small table by the wall, reading a paper, drinking his americano and eating a piece of cake.
I had my back to this gentleman, because of my aforementioned engagement with the spoons. Soft cafe-type music tinkled out of the speakers overhead – but neither that, nor the clinky song of the spoons was enough to hide the noise.
Continue reading Spoons