Updates and Bruises

My last story was in September?! Eek. Sorry. I haven’t abandoned this blog, I promise. In fact, quite the opposite – I check it every day to see if I have made a new post. But mostly I haven’t.

At the moment I have no internet access in my flat, which is one excuse I might give if I weren’t about to tell you in this sentence that the real reasons are mostly because I am lazy and/or doing other things. So at this moment I am sitting with a coffee in the café in which I work, plainly not doing café -related work, consuming the wi-fi bandwidth almost as greedily as I am consuming my coffee – which is to say that I hadn’t thought this metaphor through before I started it.

Anyway. NEWS!

I have a new bruise! I have previously written about unexplained bruises, but this one I can explain.

It’s not exactly discreet, my current bruise. It runs vertically down my forehead, sticking out from the surrounding terrain like a high-capacity runway at a major international airport. If somebody wanted to land on my head, they would know exactly where they needed to be.

Nobody landed on my head, by the way – that’s not how I got the bruise.

It doesn’t hurt much, unless I poke it with my finger – which I do quite regularly, to see if it hurts. It’s hurting right now, because I am poking it.

The bruise came about yesterday, and is actually a symptom of problems I’ve had for a while now. Only those closest to me know about my conditions, but they are getting hard to hide – especially with this giant red contusion chilling out over my face, getting in the way of my desire to wear a hat, looking down girls’ tops and generally being a jerk.

The problems in question are:

  • Faulty proprioception
  • A deficiency of short term memory
  • Stupidity.

You see, there is a big metal thing above the door in this café, that I saw, noted, used as a handle, and was generally fully aware of – and then there was my head. Not ten seconds after my encounter with the big metal thing, I tried to insert my head into the same physical location that the big metal thing occupied – and would always occupy, for ’tis a stationary big metal thing.

This resulted in a violent impact heralded by a comical doink noise, my immediate rejection from the vicinity of the big metal thing, humiliation, and ultimately this large contusion, as illustrated by these typically technical drawings of mine:

The moral of this tale is: when doing simple things that should result in no injury whatsoever, don’t be me.

In other news, and partly to blame for the lack of posts here recently, I am working on a longer Ash-Matic project – a particularly stupid and pointless interactive story, where you as the reader get to experience being as stupid as me. Doesn’t that sound like fun? I know, right?

Also, there’s a spider in it.
And it has super powers.

So far the thing is over 100 pages in length, and I haven’t even started the so-called art.
So, watch this space, or don’t, for news, or lack of it!
But I will post more stuff soon in any case.

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9 Responses

  1. Sorry about your head. Next time send someone else up the chair. No injury and you might get a good laugh in the process.
    Cool you’re working on a much bigger project now!

  2. Rachel says:

    I share the very same problems that you have. Next time I have a mark on my head or face, which people will of course ask me how I got, I will send them to this post. It will save me a lot of energy and time to say, “Read this, but pretend I am him. And also, I have long arms. Enjoy.”

  3. Brett Minor says:

    I don’t have that issue, but was married to a woman who did. Almost daily, as she was getting into her car, she would bang her head. ALMOST EVERY DAY!

    I never could understand it. Even if you have bad judgement, you would think the pain from the day before would give you enough of a reminder to be more careful the next day, but it never changed.

    I tried not to laugh.

  4. Kianwi says:

    God, man, you make me laugh! Was so excited when I saw you posted.

    This is completely something I would do. I always wanted to be that graceful, delicate girl that floats through life…but I’m not. I run into things, spill things and generally make a fool out of myself. But currently I have no bruises, so I’m considering this week a giant success!

  5. LittleMyoo says:

    Oh excellent. A bruise! I have a boil, but I won’t go into details. I can’t wait to hear about Super-Spider. Thanks for posting. I have to go bang my head now.


  6. Don’t be too hard on yourself. I once tried to break up a dog fight by flinging avocadoes at the mass of tails and snarling mouths. Perfectly logical way to break up a dog fight? Yes, that’s what I was thinking too. I ended up whacking my thumb against an iron fence post while launching an avocado. The dogs walked away scratch-free while I came away with a sore, swollen thumb, a bruised ego and avocado squelch on my shoes. Definitely not my most finest moment.

  7. As the tallest member of my family (not saying much) I always, without fail, bonk my head on a sharp corner of the ceiling when going down the stairs into my parents’ basement. I just never learn. Brain damage might have something to do with that, though.

  8. The Beans says:

    Just last week, I walked underneath a metal side-of-the-road sign. I assumed that I would short enough to play limbo without having to duck in the slightest.

    The hollow “bonk” and the sharp pain emanating from the back of my head proved otherwise. 😛

    Glad to see you back!


  9. Oh my god I totally needed a laugh and that DID it. You are hilarious. I especially loved the part where you attempted to insert your head into the space occupied by the stationary big metal thing.

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