Unexplained Bruises

Picture this, if you think it wise:

After a long day – or even a short day – of being a person who gets stuff done, I like to get myself a beverage, take off my trousers, and sit around in my underwear for a while.

Who doesn’t?

The other day I was sitting on the sofa, elegantly sprawled and scratching bits that needed to be scratched, when I noticed a big bruise on my thigh. It was the kind of bruise that says ‘Hey!

So I looked at the bruise, said ‘Hey,’ back, and wondered where it had come from. My curiosity didn’t last long – I got distracted by my beverage, which on this particular occasion was hot, and had a half-biscuit floating in it.

Later that night, however, I was getting undressed, with all the ease and style of a stupid dog trying to escape from a sleeping bag, when I noticed other bruises on the back of my leg.

I tried to get a better look, which meant turning in circles for several minutes, and discovered that I had large bruises all over the back of my thighs and calves.

I tried to figure out the last time I had encountered inanimate objects in such a violent manner. I couldn’t remember, so I proceeded to prod and poke each of the bruises to find out which ones hurt when prodded or poked. It turned out all of them did.

Although l couldn’t remember encountering any aggressive objects which might explain the contusions, I had watched a couple of violent movies recently, and I began to wonder if there was a correlation. Perhaps they were sympathy injuries, caused when the protagonists of these movies were wounded?

To determine the accuracy of this hypothesis, I devised an experiment.

  • In the first stage, I watched a couple of movies where the protagonist suffers violence but isn’t hurt because they are invulnerable – in other words, superhero movies. This was the control stage – if my theory was correct, I should suffer no new bruises where a hero is invulnerable.

In the following few days, I bumped into no new objects, and developed no new bruises – so I now had a benchline for the experiment:

No protagonist injuries = no unexplained bruises.
  • In the next stage, I watched a bunch of movies where the hero gets the stuffing beaten out of him quite a lot – things like Die Hard. According to my theory, I should now suffer the signs of physical violence.

And lo and behold – the next day I found a new bruise: just a little one, on the side of my right thigh.

Protagonist injuries = unexplained bruises.

Hypothesis satisfied! A direct correlation between my viewing habits and tendency to develop bruises had been proven.

Thank you, rigorously-applied scientific method.

And if you needed further proof (as if!): last night I watched a Godzilla movie. Today I trod on a Lego toy and broke it.

I’ve also got a new bruise on my foot.

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17 Responses

  1. Addman says:

    Flawless logic as always. This might also explain why, when I watch porn, I feel consistently horny. I wonder what would happen if I watched Sci-Fi?

    Also, I mentioned you on my Blog! That’s not a ploy to get you to read, I just…I…

  2. jaybird says:

    Wow- I must check to see if that theory is true for The Husband- he’s sure to be covered head to toe in bruises. He doesn’t watch anything that doesn’t involve brutality and physical violence towards the protagonist.

    An unfortunate reality for this Bird is that I suffer from a bleeding disorder. I am usually covered in ugly blue and purple angry-looking bruises that I have absolutely zero idea of where they came from. C’est la vie, for me.

    • Ash-Matic says:

      Aww, that sucks. Are you evil, by any chance? Could be you have a tendency to get the bruises of antagonists. They tend to get hurt even in movies that are otherwise unviolent!

  3. Chiz says:

    I have a habit of unintentional bruising others. I think I’ve been watching too much Mr. Bean. Thanks for helping my solve my clumsy crisis!

  4. You might want to avoid torture porn films for a while. At least until you heal a bit.

  5. I watched Inception and then went to sleep. So I too must suffer from your theory.

  6. LittleMyoo says:

    Oh crap…I just started watching Game of Thrones…

  7. Kianwi says:

    Nuh uh. I used to watch soap operas every day when I was in high school and college, and I never found the father of my unborn baby in bed with my mother, who really wasn’t my mother, but my sister, just before I choked on a grape and was in a coma for ten years, but then miraculously woke up as the father of my child was about to walk down the aisle with my most hated enemy because he had been brainwashed, so I had time to run to the church, throw open the door, stop everything, and then marry my true love myself. Nope, none of that ever happened, so I’m not sure about your theory. Sorry to disappoint you.

    Maybe it was aliens? Or you are becoming a zombie?

  8. Rachel says:

    Genius. I’m going to avoid all horror movies now, and maybe all violent ones too. Bruises hurt and I do not enjoy being hurty.

  9. Unexplained bruises = a very rough night down the pub followed by unconsciousness. Waking up in the morning not remembering how the heck you got home and seeing and feeling the bruises of the night before for the first time. I think this explains it, ha ha ha.

  10. I just started watching the new season of Dexter, and have never been so afraid for my own personal safety (or the safety of those around me).

  11. Joy Christi says:

    More data for your study:
    Shortly after we thought it would be fine to watch an episode of Game of Thrones in front of our babies, one bumped her head to the point of bleeding, and the other baby started taking her shirt off randomly throughout the day. Coinky dink? Obvy not.

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