Nasal Assault

On TV shows, and in a lot of movies, people have things that nobody has in real life.

For instance, on TV, some guy comes home from work, opens the fridge and gets out a beer. But nobody has a fridge full of beer waiting for them when they come home from work. Because in real life they’ve already drunk all the beer.

Another example is horses. I’ve seen loads of TV shows where people have horses. But in real life people don’t have horses. Where would they keep them while they are at work? In the bicycle rack? In designated parking spots? In a little paddock by the fax machine and the photocopier? No. It’s just fiction.

And then there are those weird little nose-hair trimmers you see on TV. Why the hell would anyone own a buzzing, bladed piece of hardware designed to be shoved in one’s own facial orifices? What kind of freak would have such a thing? I was convinced that no real person’s bathroom cabinet contains such a horror…

Until Miss-Matic found one.

She brought it home the other day, with a bounce in her step and an excited grin across her face.

‘Guess what I’ve got!’ she demanded.

I sat up, hopeful. ‘Is it a kitten?’


‘Oh.’ My face fell. ‘Can I eat it?’


‘Um… Is it alcoholic?’


I sat back. ‘Then I don’t care.’

She took something vaguely sexual out of her bag and brandished it like She-Ra preparing her vibrator. ‘It’s a NOSE HAIR TRIMMER!’

I gave her my best baleful look, because I could see where this was going.

‘A nose hair trimmer!’ she repeated.

I used my best unimpressed tone. ‘What.’

‘A nose hair trimmer!’






‘I’m going to try it out!’

‘Have fun. Try not to hurt yourself.’

‘But first,’ she beamed, ‘I’m going to use it on you!’

‘No, you’re not,’ I stated, with what I hoped was Morgan Freeman-like authority.

‘Yes I am!’ she grinned.

‘No, you’re not.’ I squinted threateningly, like Clint Eastwood.

‘Yes I am,’ she smirked.

‘No, you’re not.’ I said, setting my jaw like Sylvester Stallone.





Miss-Matic gave me that ‘I have an ace-in-the-hole’ smile. ‘I’ll ██████ your ██████ with my ██████?’ she proposed.

‘Okay,’ I said.

She then proceeded to jump on top of me, and shoved the device up my nose.

‘Um,’ I said. ‘I’ve changed my mind.’

‘Too late,’ she said, and yanked the starter cord.


‘Aaaaagh!! I’ve changed my mind!’



‘Hold still!’





My wriggles and squirms were becoming too much for Miss-Matic to handle, so she put her knees on my wrists to pin me down, and continued to subject me to this unauthorised grooming.







‘Wait… Did you just say LOL?’

Soon she was done. I felt violated. I cried.

‘Hang on… I missed a bit…’



And that’s how I found out that the darkest horrors of the human imagination don’t just exist in fiction, and that Miss-Matic is even more sadistic than I’d realised. She tried to console me afterwards with videos of cats, but they didn’t help.

But on the bright side…


Can’t think of anything.


You may also like...

29 Responses

  1. Those nose hairs hurt coming out.

  2. Rachel says:

    I think you’re going to need therapy after that.

  3. Leauxra says:

    Oh, she’s evil. And hilarious. Is it OK that I am laughing at you? I mean with you?

  4. Not sure of your situation… but… Some people’s noses need a good hair trimming. Just saying. I’m sorry.

  5. lily says:

    Haha! So Miss M just randomly bought a nose hair trimmer?
    Nothing to do with with the serpent like coils of hair dangling from your nasal cavity? Hmmmm?

  6. Mark says:

    I have actually seen people with horses, and beer in the fridge, but not anyone who has actual motorised nose trimmers. They sound awful. I hope she at least lived out her end of the bargain and proceeded to blank your blank with her blank.

  7. jaybird says:

    Obviously, you are not Italian. Because the men in my family own a plethora of those things. I’ve come to the conclusion that all Italian men are raised to grow two things to perfection: nose hair and tomatoes.

  8. Tonja says:

    Yikes. At least she didn’t try to wax your back. That might have been worse.

  9. sporkgasm says:

    Hahahaha! Your actor references are what killed me most in this post. I don’t have a specific nose hair trimmer but I do have an electric trimmer I use in my nose also. I hate hair though. I literally battle it every day like I’m saving the world from a bunch of little nazis. I’m doin’ the lord’s work.

    I also have beer in the fridge when I come home from work, and usually at least one bottle of wine. 🙂

  10. On the plus side, I think I have finally found a way to get back at my husband for accidentally washing and drying a fountain pen.

  11. Kianwi says:

    Why have I not known about your blog until now? You are absolutley hysterical! Miss-Matic sounds like a tough cookie. But good thing you have her, cause otherwise you might have started to resemble a wookie. Although maybe you would have liked that?

  12. Kait says:

    Oh man it’s good to have you back. You have been missed.

  13. erica says:

    I bought my dad a nose hair trimmer for Christmas one year. He doesn’t care for it either, but I feel it is necessary. I also pluck the back of his ears. I can’t let him walk around with freakishly long hair growing on the back of his ears or popping out of his nose. For some reason, people don’t seem to see their own wild hairs growing on their face. Why is that?
    Miss Matic didn’t buy the trimmer for herself. She was being kind. Well, sort of kind until she started to get great enjoyment out of trimming you.

  14. Chiz says:

    My hair buzzer comes with a nose hair trimmer attachment. It’s horrible. All it does is coil the hairs up until it gets clogged, then it tears the nose hairs out along with a little bit of skin in one forceful jolt. And then I sneeze a bloody sneeze when it’s done.

  15. mistyslaws says:

    Oooh, she is a crafty wench. Offering to BLANK your BLANK with her BLANK. I’m pretty sure no man could resist that siren song. But, at least you have naken inner nostrils, so . . . there’s that, right?

  16. DWei says:

    Could have been worse. Imagine if she jumped in there with a pair of tweezers.


  17. Scarlett says:

    Hahaha!! I didn’t even know these things existed out of the movies. I know what you mean about the fridge full of beer too.. how foes this happen?, x

  18. The Beans says:

    Yay! You’ve returned to the blogging world! 😀

    And, ouch. On the bright side, at least your nose is pristine, right?

    Ummmmm, right? 😛


  19. Sounds like she really went in deep. How much of your brain did she shave off?

  20. Nose hair trimming sounds very unpleasant.

  21. Brett Minor says:

    Back when I drank beer, we were always out. However, we owned horses. They were always out there.

    As for the nose hair trimmer, I bought one a few years ago. Used it once. I hate that thing.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *