Arts ‘n’ Crafts

Making Spiders


I hate spiders. They creep me the fuck out. Unfortunately I’m working on a super-secret project which entailed making little spiders out of wire. It took me a while to figure out how to make these little bastards, so there are quite a few hanging around the flat.

Here’s one waiting to jump on my head.

Every so often I will encounter one of these – glimpse it from the corner of my eye, or knock one off the arm of the sofa onto my leg or something. And every single time my heart does somersaults, sending its pulse off for a short weekend break by the sea until I finally realise it’s only one of my creations.

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Nasal Assault

On TV shows, and in a lot of movies, people have things that nobody has in real life.

For instance, on TV, some guy comes home from work, opens the fridge and gets out a beer. But nobody has a fridge full of beer waiting for them when they come home from work. Because in real life they’ve already drunk all the beer.

Another example is horses. I’ve seen loads of TV shows where people have horses. But in real life people don’t have horses. Where would they keep them while they are at work? In the bicycle rack? In designated parking spots? In a little paddock by the fax machine and the photocopier? No. It’s just fiction.

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