Ash-Matic Did an Exam


Like a gladiator walking into the colloseum, checking he hasn’t left his sword on the kitchen counter, I went into my exam, checking I hadn’t forgotten a pen.

Of course I hadn’t. I was armed to the teeth with a single biro, and five single back-up biros.

Invigilators prowled the room like hungry lions, ready to chomp down on the haunches of anyone with a phone, while the clock on the wall loomed large, counting down until the start of the exam like some kind of giant clock – only a little smaller.

I took a seat. Any old seat. And then I took another – with the correct exam paper before it. Some guy at the front of the hall was saying something about bringing unauthorised materials into the exam hall – but I confess I was too busy doing lines off the desk to listen.

And then we were off.

My priorities were simple:
1. Put chewing gum into the hole in my face, making sure I got the right hole this time.
2. Pass the exam.

I read the questions and started to write. And then I wrote more, and then some more. After what felt like a couple of days, I had to stop – my fingers felt like bananas.

It’s been far too long since I sat down with a pen, chatted about old times, went for a few drinks and woke up the next morning with a blue stain around my mouth. My frail clearly-not-a-manual-labourer fingers have spent too much time fingering up keyboards instead. Writing essay-style exam questions with a piece of leaky plastic hurts.

After two hours I was bored and in pain, so I took my swollen digits and came home. Fortunately the exam had ended by then. I think I did okay, but I envy neither the marker who has to interpret my illegible scrawls, nor the student on whom that marker will inevitably give up.

But now I’m back home. My finger still feel like bananas, but now they’re gliding across my laptop like they’re bananas covered in baby-oil. Feels kinda creepy, but my laptop doesn’t seem to mind.


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19 Responses

  1. Addman says:

    I find you banana fingers a-peel-ing! Hahaha!

  2. Chiz says:

    Bah, I know that feeling. I had a class where the exams consisted of filling up 10 pages top-to-bottom with absolute nonsense. Congrats on finishing it, though!

  3. Mark says:

    Well I hope you pass the exam. I find it hard to write longhand sometimes. I think I’d be screwed if I did a test.

  4. sporkgasm says:

    The banana picture made me choke on my coffee. Writing with a pen for two hours totally sucks. I still have a lump on my middle finger from pressing down so hard with pen/pencils in school.

    I am sure you did fine. And then I just saw Addman’s comment and I almost choked again.

  5. The Beans says:

    “I was armed to the teeth with a single biro, and five single back-up biros.”

    I learned to be armed to the teeth the hard way. During one exam, I had three pens out in case one of them started to run out of ink. As I began writing with the first pen, the scrawl became fainter. So, I switched to the second pen. That, too, had a limited supply of ink. Panicking, I prayed that the third pen would hold up for the rest of the exam, which it did.

    My friends never fully understood why I made it a habit to have several pens at my possession on test day. 😛

    And fingers-crossed for your exam!
    -Barb the French Bean

  6. lily says:

    I was all set to write a very serious “glad the exam went well’ message… and then I saw Addman’s comment. Still laughing.

    And I hope NEVER to find out what bananas covered in baby oil fingers feel like…NEVER!

  7. erica says:

    When I sat for day one of the bar exam, the lady at the check in counter asked if I had eaten cinnamon that morning because it improves your memory. WTF?!? All these other people probably knew that trick, ate something with cinnamon and had an edge on me!!!! You can bet your ass I went to the store and got cinnamon oatmeal, poptarts and gum for day two of the exam!

  8. mistyslaws says:

    Damn. Nobody told me that when I took the bar exam! I just drank copious amounts of coffee. Oh well, it was 12 years ago and I passed, so I guess I didn’t really need it. Still, though. It would have been nice to have that little tip. Did the cinnamon work for you on that second day??

  9. mistyslaws says:

    Above was supposed to be a reply to erica. Oops.

    Anyway . . . I’m assuming it didn’t take too long to write, though. I mean, you did write in LOL Cats, right? I think that’s the only way you CAN write with banana fingers.

  10. Sofia J. says:

    Don’t worry, it’ll be just fine. I know how it feels, first when you start it’s like – ok, I studied so I should do just fine -. Then it’s the paranoia of looking at the clock every 5 minutes when you realize you have only filled half of the exam, and finally that “holy crap I finished” sensation when you’re writing the last 3 words. I got your feel bro.

  11. jaybird says:

    Wishing you luck on that exam banana fingers!

  12. Elsie says:

    I hope after all that, you did well on the exam!

  13. Love the banana fingers! Hope you did great!

  14. Banana fingers – hilarious! I’ve been there too, although never thought to call them that. 🙂

  15. Curmudgeon says:

    You’ll do great. When I was a kid I went to school two days one semester I think and got great grades because I sent in the work. I might be the foremost expert in an area now and freeze up and fail. Just checking on you. Sounds like your doing great.

  16. banana hands. I LIKE IT.

    if everyone had swollen banana hands, i bet less car-jackings would occur. because, you know, it would be harder to steal a car with swollen banana hands.

    the world could be a better place… if only everyone had swollen banana hands…

  17. This sounds disturbingly like me in exams. especially the chewing gum thing.

    but instead of banana jhands, it felt like i had no hands at all. they were numb with fear. and delusions that i wouldn’t make it. oh the memories..

  18. MOV says:

    Does this mean you will be blogging more? I hope so!

    p.s. thanks for the shout-out!

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