Whale

Ash-Matic Did Revision

26/01

Technically, this post chould be called Ash-Matic Does Procrastinating. If Ash-Matic was revising, this post would not exist. But I want to save Ash-Matic Does Procrastinating for another time, because it’s something I’m so good at I feel it would be an injustice not to give it the time and attention it deserves – so I’ll save that post for when I’ve finished looking up sea-cucumbers on Wikipedia, watching videos of other people having fun on Minecraft, or convincing myself I’m not looking at porn because it’s only erotic literature, darling.

Everybody knows that revision is boring. You take a bunch of stuff that was boring the first time you read it, and read it again. Then you go on Wikipedia under the false pretext of clarifying some point you don’t quite understand, but actually to find out a bit more about sea-cucumbers.

Sea-cucumbers are not inherently that interesting, unless you’re some sort of sea-cucumberologist, or the kind of person who’d be fascinated to discover that a small cult of fifteen fish once set up a ranch in a sea-cucumber’s anus, hid out from the FBI, grew marijuana and molested each other while waiting for the coming apocalyspe…Wait… That is interesting…

Two hours later, tabbed browsing has become your worst enemy. Your terrifying exam is two hours closer, and two hours of revision can cover a lot of ground. In two hours, I can review my notes once more, do a little unnecessary highlighting, and half-heartedly attempt a mock-exam paper.

In fact, in two hours, I could probably fully prepare myself for my exam.

But look at the time! I have much more than two hours of revision-time left!

Might as well go see what’s new on YouTube for a bit, blaze another trail through Wikipedia, or write a lump of unnecessary text for an imaginary audience.

At the back of my mind I find myself calculating how long I can justify my continuous procrastination. It’s not like I have anything more important to do – I just don’t want to revise. It’s not even that the subject matter is boring (LIES), it just doesn’t seem too important right now.

Not important?!‘ – I hear you cry. ‘Isn’t this your future? Your prospects? Your chance for a stab at a job that doesn’t make you wish for a stab every time you get up to go to work?

Well, dear reader / conscience, yes.

Ice my brain with existential angst. Sprinkle it with a little more guilt. Pop a cherry of you-are-your-own-worst-enemy on top.

And then fuck ye off. I’m trying. Kind of.

But the truth is, I’d rather insert sea-cucumbers into my own rectum and climb into the poo-pipe of a sperm whale. Then we can all play Russian doll happy-familes and wait for the coming apocalyspe. I get the feeling my exams won’t seem so annoyingly important then.

 

15 thoughts on “Ash-Matic Did Revision”

  1. I’ve actually caught plenty of sea-cucumbers while fishing. Except the ones up here in New England don’t have any spectacular colors or anything. It literally looks like a whale took a dump on your hook.

  2. Sea cucumbers look slimy and scary to me.

    If it’s any consolation, I always studied for exams or wrote papers at like 4 a.m. the day of. I only got a 3.17 though so it probably wasn’t the best idea. You can’t really think when you got no sleep and need to come up with 5,000 words on pre-WW2 Germany.

    I keep reading, and re-reading your first paragraph. I keep saying, “Did he just not so slyly say he is procrastinating on writing his procrastination post. Yet, this is the procrastination post and not at all a revision post? I see what he did there.”

  3. I never procrastinate, but before I do something (like write or make some thing) I usually do other stuff for a few hours first. It allows my brain to subconsciously prepare for my next task and get ready. Once I’ve consciously enjoyed watching TV or playing a video game I’m subsciously ready to do my new task!

  4. I wasn’t very good with revision either. In fact I never did it at all. So I can relate. Just keep procrastinating. No need to justify doing it.

  5. Procrastination is such an affliction. No, really. I despair at my procrastination sometimes.

    On a completely unrelated note, is it ok if I pin your work on pinterest or would you prefer that people don’t? I’m a bit concerned about the pinterest terms of service, so I want to be sure that every blogger that I pin is ok with me doing so.

  6. That poor whale doesn’t look too happy with his resident cartel chilling in his rectum. I hope that as of this comment, you have all exited to leave the poor chap in peace!

    -Barb the French Bean

  7. Hello folks! Thanks for not abandoning me.

    Sounds like you all know what I’m talking about though. You can abandon me later. When you get round to it.

  8. I just read this and you are a f’ing genius. I am a BIG procrastinator and I can find any excuse to not do what I’m supposed to be doing. Great post.

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