Ash-Matic Does Masculine Scratching

There are many differences between the genders. Some of these are obvious – like a pair of lovely boobs – but it’s rude to stare, so we’re all obliged to pretend they’re not that obvious.
And when making statements about differences between the genders, one has to be careful because there are always exceptions to those statements – men with lovely man-boobs, for instance – and this can make spotting differences more complicated.

The situation becomes even more precarious when discussing behavioural differences. There is a whole array of categorical statements which have the potential to cause great offence, and bring fiery retribution down upon oneself.
For instance:
Girls like things that are pink, but boys like things that are exploding helicopters.
Men kill things with their bare hands, but women use a knife and fork.
or
Women are terrible at everything, but men are slightly better at that.
This kind of thing can only bring down trouble from both sides of the gender divide.
But today I am going be bold, and point out a behavioural difference that I have personally observed, and risk the wrath of the masses: 
Men like to scratch in public more than women.
Sure, I’ve seen girls scratch themselves in private. You can pay to see that kind of thing, if you are so inclined. But men do it in public, with no shame, no thought for proprietry, and no regard for tens – maybe hundreds – of years of not living in trees.
I’m guilty of this too, of course. If it itches, I’ll scratch it.
Sometimes the itch runs away from my nails and I have to chase it all over my body, like my hand is a wide-eyed kitten and the itch is the red dot of a laser-pointer. And sometimes, if my beard itches, I like to scratch it back and forth on top of a fence. And sometimes, if the itch is on my back, I make Miss-Matic hold out her hands like a petrified monster, and then I jump up and down before her, scratching the itch on her frozen claws.
But some physiological environs require a little more discretion, and if those areas need scratching, I mostly do it myself, and try to avoid doing so on a crowded street, or on camera.
Not all men are this discrete.
I had the good fortune to be at my friends’ house on Saturday, watching the Six Nations rugby final. And rugby players like to scratch themselves quite a bit.
So do the coaches. In fact, during the second half of the game, every time the cameras focussed on the Welsh coaching box, one man could clearly be seen having a vigorous scratch of his nuts. Millions of people were watching that game – clearly this man was worried that his rugby-coachdom dreams would crumble and die beneath the weight of the French scrum, and was preparing himself for an alternative career as the poster-boy of public masculine scratching.
But that wasn’t even the most audacious case I witnessed this weekend.
Before I arrived at my friends’ house on Saturday, I went to look for a refreshing drink of a refreshing substance. As I was walking down the street, I passed two gentlemen of an age approximately similar to my own, standing in the tiny front-garden of a terraced house.
They were facing away from me, and looking thoughtfully up at the window-frame they were fixing. One of these men was wearing a pair of loose football shorts (soccer shorts, Americans. This is an important distinction, because the shorts are loose and light).
As I passed, the man in the football shorts reached behind himself, and I saw in his hand an unremarkable-looking claw hammer.
What he did with it, however, was not unremarkable.
He manouevred the head of the claw hammer back between his football-short-covered buttocks – with the claw-side of the head aimed inwards and upwards.
Nooooooo...’ my brain began.
The head of the claw hammer went higher.
…ooooooooo…
The head of the claw hammer went deeper.
…oooooooo…
And the man began to scratch.
‘…oooooooo…
And quite vigorously did he scratch.
I don’t know what kind of itch that man had, but it must have been quite, um… entrenched. And clearly quite serious if the pointy-end of a claw hammer was the appropriate tool for the job.
I’ve never seen a woman do this sort of thing, and can therefore only conclude that men are more inclined to scratch in public.
Or maybe women just itch less.

33 thoughts on “Ash-Matic Does Masculine Scratching”

  1. Oh. Eww. Why?? You know, I stress to my girls all the time that there isn’t any difference in gender except the location of reproduction organs. Maybe I should rethink my strategy.

  2. Manfriend is a scratcher. He would probably use a claw hammer. I think he doesn’t realize that he is doing it because while he is telling me a story, he will stick his hands down his trousers, give himself a good itch, and then go make us something to eat with those same hands.

  3. I think that woman are just more subtle about it. Like if my boob itches, I don’t just claw that sucker. Instead, I reach my arm across like I’m trying to get something and just subtly move the arm back and forth. Done. Or I go somewhere private. Men don’t seem to have that compunction for whether or not someone might be viewing said scratching. They just don’t seem to care.

    But what I really want to know is . . . is it rude to stare at a lovely set of man-boobs? I feel that is the pertinent question raised in this post, really. Please do satisfy my curiosity. For research purposes, of course.

    1. This is a good question. I don’t have moobs so I’m not sure. Maybe if I did I’d be flattered? And start wearing low-cut tops? I’m not sure.

  4. They say the use of tools separates us from the animals, but if this is proper tool use, I think we can take back everything we know about human intellect. That, and the image of a monkey scratching his own ass with a claw hammer doesn’t sound that improbable.

  5. Hahah. I have way too vivid an imagination and totally pictured this guy with the claw hammer. I would’ve had to yell something out like, “Dude, you just made yourself the human equivalent to the claw games in pizza parlors. Did you just pull a stuffed bunny out of your ass?”

  6. I usually pay a stranger to scratch the itch. Therefore, if someone points it out, I can just accuse the man of touching me inappropriately without my consent.

  7. Unfortunately, I have an eczema infliction. Located in my groin area. And when I scratch it, it looks like I’m proudly manhandling my banger. Not so. There’s just no polite lady-like way to scratch it.

    My husband is often awoken by me, leg cocked up in the air, scratching like it’s a goddam competition. I can’t help it. I have eczema.

    To deter disgusted looks from passing civilians, I am thinking of getting a t-shirt printed. On the front it will say ‘Don’t be hatin on my groin ezcema. Atleast it’s not the herps’.

  8. I’m an itchy person. I hate it. I hate it when people scratch my back wrong. So I have special systems in place, with my back divided up into scratch-segments, so all I have to do is yell “scratch segment 2A, subsection D” and it’s cured 😀

  9. I wonder who really scratches more, rugby players or American baseball players?

    That chap with the claw hammer probably awoke the next day wondering why a hemorrhoid was lying on his bloody sheet.

    Me, I prefer a lonely wall to scratch me, rubbing against it like a cat. Of course, that isn’t so viable when you have a manly scratch, as it is prone to draw odd looks and the police.

  10. I found your blog thanks to Creepy Query Girl. You’re hilariously disturbing. I must have more. Of course, we’ll keep the scratching to these posts.

  11. I loved this post, hilarious! I always wondered why men think it’s not disgusting at all to claw at their private parts in public, without the slightest embarrassment, or even trying to be discreet.

  12. Holy crap – I’m laughing so hard I can’t see through the tears!

    …and I’ve just given you an award! I hope you read your comments and see this!

    There’s a manager in my building who stops by to discuss things, and always stands in the door frame scratching his back across the frame. I’m very curious if maybe he has a hairy back and that makes him itch…

  13. Haha this was quite a post to fall upon for my first visit to your blog. Or, maybe all of your posts are like this – I sort of hope so. This was hilarious. I really loved it and I can’t wait for more.

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